Would you trust this man with birch twigs?

SPRING cleaning by European standards has been quite effective this year, if the efforts of Ireland and Finland are anything to go by.

Whilst the resignation of Bertie Ahern brought vomit-inducing platitudes from politicians whose own Teflon coatings have started to wear a little thin, the sacking of Finnish foreign minister, Ilkka Kanerva, was the story that should have made the headlines.

Mr. Kanerva, who held the post for a little under a year, was dismissed after it was discovered he had sent over 200 text messages to an ‘erotic dancer’.

There’s nothing so terrible about that, I hear you cry. Well, perhaps not. But considering that this is not Mr Kanerva’s first indiscretion, having been ‘found out’ in 2005 of sending similar messages to another woman of ‘questionable virtue’ in 2005 (this time the recipient was a nude model).

But what any carefree person gets up to in the private life is, surely, not the business of the state. But the Finnish authorities claim they can no longer trust this Baltic stallion. So what did those texts contain?

Thankfully, to put us all out of our misery, the Finnish magazine Hymy, published a transcript of some of the messages. Kindly translated by those helpful chaps at the Daily Telegraph, below is just a selection of some of the messages:

- Would you like to do it at some exciting place? What could that be?

- How would it feel to touch you with my fingers at a nightclub?

- There was nothing wrong with yesterday’s dress either. Very womanly.

- It’s sounds almost like a fantasy. Have you kept your ‘garden’ in shape?

-Do you want to do it in some exciting place?

I have to admit, I was snorting into my keyboard as I read the messages. Not because they are ‘imtimate’ or ‘suggestive’ as Hymy magazine and the Finnish state claim, but, because, if sending messages of this kind renders a politician ‘untrustworthy’, those lucky Finns don’t know they’re born.

Take our motley lot as an example. The Speaker of the House, Michael Martin, not only claimed over £17,000 in expenses for a house on which he longer has a mortgage, but also claimed in excess of £4,000 in taxi bills for his wife. This is on top of his £1.7 million house paid for by… you guessed it… the UK tax payer.

Maybe our politicians should sit naked next to each other, armed with birch twigs, in a sauna from time to time. Then, perhaps, the threshold for trust might be raised somewhat.

What about the pies, though?

They’re at it again. Europe’s two proudest nations are at war. Over who has UN-quality food…

The contest is between Italy and France, and the battle is over whose food should go on the UN’s World Heritage List.

The List was, until now, exclusively for solid, physical things such as the Egyptian Pyramids, the Great Wall of China and the Taj Mahal. Not abstracts such as food. And maybe, given the reaction from two of the orignal six members of the EU (a body, let’s not forget, that was created with the goal of diminishing nationalist tendencies…)

But the impeding inclusion of a ‘national cuisine’ has caused an all-out war.  France is claiming that with 156 EU recognised ‘exclusive’ foodstuffs ranging from Champagne, foie gras and other delights it has a right to the title. Italy though, goes for quantity. They have 166 recognised foods. To them, this means they are the winners.

On the website news.com.au, Coldiretti, the Italian farmers’ association said: “Italy can respond to their foie gras, armagnac, soupe a l’oignon and escargots (duck or goose liver, brandy, onion soup and snails) with dishes that conquered the world and are much appreciated by the French themselves, like pasta and pizza,”

“With 166 food specialities recognised by the European Union, Italy clearly beats France, in second place with 156,” said Coldiretti, adding that Italy could also “beat the French on their own ground, with parmesan in the area of cheeses and many wines”.

France remained suspiciously quiet on the issue. Did they think Sarkozy might abuse them? Could it be confidence in their abilities? Who knows.

Let them fight it out.

Personally, I’d love it if the underdog won. I’d like to see the look on their faces if Britain stormed ahead with pies, pasties, crumbles and cloudy beer. Or if Germany snuck in there with Wurst, beer, lush cakes and even better wines (yes, German wine IS good… as long as it’s not cheap and bought in the UK).

May the best man win

.

•  link to news.com.au
• link to story from news.com.au
• link Coldiretti website (in Italian)

All is not forgiven, Guillaume, and we have the cartoon to proove it.

I hate to slate the French, but time and again they just keep making it so easy for me. They put the bait right there and, as the weak-willed ‘Anglo-Saxon’ (as the French press continually refers to the British in an annoying, inaccurate way), that I am, I just have to take it.

We’re the same way with booze over here, hence the drunkenness. But anyway, on with the show.

The creators of the Mr. Men cartoons, popular with countless toddlers and their sleep-deprived parents, have just re-launched. Amidst the familiar faces, there is a new friend- Mr. Rude. And he farts when you pull his fingers! Fnar.

But, unlike the rest of the Mr. Men, Mr. Rude is a ‘Johnny foreigner’, and yup, you’ve guessed it, he’s French.

Whilst of course the French do, at times, really deserve their reputation as some of the rudest people on earth (as illustrated by the recent spate of Japanese tourists to Paris developing psychological problems because of the disrespect) they’re not ALL bad, surely?

The answer is of course, no, they’re not. A country of 60 million people has to have at least some nice people, and my own anecdotal evidence points to the fact that indeed, some French people are very lovely indeed (for the record, we are not talking about the Parisians here). My own time spent living in France showed me that many people are friendly when circumstances necessitate it. The general populous is not so much rude, but slightly cold, deeply private and suspicious of change.

Then in dawned on me; maybe they just hate the English…Well again, no, I don’t think that’s true. Acquaintances of mine from all over the world, some with the most impeccable French have been huffed and ‘boffed’ at in France with the best of them. And the huffing and ‘boffing’ extends to other French people too. So best not to take it personally.

If anything, we Britons have the problem: We single out the French for particular scorn. We’re obsessed with Agincourt, with never giving in to ‘the Hun’ and with boycotting Granny Smith apples grown in French orchards. We’re the ones living in the past… but then again they did thwack an arrow into our king’s eye. Bastards…

But basically, tongue in cheek as Mr. Rude may be, is a kid’s cartoon really the best place to have a pop at a whole nation? No, it’s not. It’s funny to people like me because I’m a grown-up and I know it’s all a bit of banter (to me at least). To a four-year-old they’re already getting ideas in their head that is as negative as men being the strong ones who use violence to solve their woes and women being there to look pretty and have babies… oh, hang on, Barbie? Action Man? No one’s complaining there. Apart from me, it seems. Oh sod it, let’s not give our kids any unrealistic notions about equality, they’ll only be disappointed.

The one thing that confuses me though is the farting. We, the British, the lovers of Brussels sprouts, red hot curries and consumers of gross quantities of cheapo, gassy lager surely have no right to criticise anyone else for farting, and certainly not a people whose innards are soothed by fine wines and copious amounts of seafood. Some say the French don’t shower as much as ‘les anglais’, but farting? Come off it. Our trouser trumpets surely have a substantially bigger carbon footprint than those of our cousins on the other side of the ditch. Maybe that could be someone’s research project. I’d like to be commenting on that one day…

• The Daily Telegraph- ‘New Mr. Men Character is French and Rude
• Mr. Men homepage

Anyone for an Alsace ‘amster?

Read original Guardian story

It is the most unlikely story.

The country known for its more than laissez-faire attitude towards animal welfare, where kittens are not kittens but ‘chatons virtuels’ and duly drowned for their inconvenience, has turned over a new leaf.

France love hamsters. Fact. And let’s not have any jokes about the fact that hamsters, like weasels, are rodents.

I was surprised to hear that France wanted to save an animal that ordinarily might be considered fair game, in the literal meaning of the phrase. It might be nice with a few potatoes, maybe some cabbage. Who knows. But we shouldn’t be so quick to judge.

The French government is to fork out some 600 euros Per Alsace ‘amster to prevent the remaining ones (said to be as low as 600) from finally going to that great hamster ball in the sky. Unlikely. But true.

I dug about a bit. Well, for around 2 seconds with the simple use of a link from Wiki and whaddya know, here’s the real reason France wants to spend some £600 per hamster to prevent them dying out:

France faces huge fine for failing to save great hamster of Alsace

It turns out that £600 is cheap at the price compared to a 17 million euro fine. Oh dear. That works out at €28,333 per animal.

So there we go. It’s not becuase France has suddenly turned over a new leaf and is about to sign-up for a lifetime membership of PETA, or indeed that they’re suddenly going to take advice from the European Union, but instead they’ll be saving €27,667 per ‘amster.

Big bucks in an ailing economy. And that, it seems, is all M. Sarkozy understands. Bah ouai.